Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Randomize
