You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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