Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I've blown a few things in my day
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
