I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
