White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize