also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
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