I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
