my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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