he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
