How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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