Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I will pee on everything he values.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
