thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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