it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
