just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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