So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
