I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
