SEEEEXXX PLEASE
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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