nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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