just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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