Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
