so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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