maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
