i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
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