yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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