Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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