On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
