There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
