she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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