The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
