if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
