I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
