Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
