I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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