My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
