So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
