Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
