Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
my liver is dry heaving
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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