Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
