I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
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