you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
