He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize