Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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