If i come over, it means nothing
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
