Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
