I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You need Xanax blowdarts
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
