every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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