Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
