This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Come see our sink grown plant.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
