Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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