i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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