I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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