I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
This is my gift to your gina
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
