Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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