He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
