is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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