Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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