Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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