Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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