Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
