I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I wish i was in the wii world.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
