Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
