Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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