why didn't you poke me back
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
