margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I wish there were birth control emojis
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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