I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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