Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
