my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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